The following blog post is an excerpt from my journal entry on September 1, 2009.  Forgiveness given for a fault, small or great, is the greatest thing on earth!


"He threw out my chocolate bar in the Thames! But he doesn't remember, and says he never did it."

My grandma told me of a time she had purchased a chocolate bar, which at that time was a rare luxury. She did not often indulge herself, but this particular day she had a lovely little package of sweet goodness. My grandpa, who has always been an advocate of healthy living, prefers his sweet tooth to be satisfied by fresh oranges chilled in the refrigerator. One day, many years ago, my grandparents were walking along together when my grandma pulled out her delicious treat, probably offering to share it with her husband. According to her account, he grabbed it from her, threw it in the Thames and said she should not eat that garbage! She says she should have taken that as a sign that their marriage would not last. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but then again, don't mess with a woman's chocolates!

This evening I sat beside her and she sat beside my grandpa who sat beside my mother who sat beside my father, and we watched Julie and Julia together at the movie theater. We decided to celebrate my grandpa's birthday with a little outing. The credits rolled, and my grandpa woke up from his nap and she patted him on the back. She's forgiven him for throwing out her candy bar all those years ago (I think).

Vulnerability

As I sat down to write this post, the first personal post related to the resurgence of photography in my life, no words came.  So, I sat quietly.  And one word came to me: vulnerability.  That's it.  Nothing else.  Then I did what I often do for inspiration and googled the word vulnerability.  Of course, sites were listed with definitions and synonyms and further down on the search results was an article from People Magazine from about four hours earlier.  Kourtney Kardashian had tweeted, one month after her break-up with Scott, a link to Brene Brown's TED talk on "The Power of Vulnerability"  So, I watched the video.  And I was reminded of the very simple reason I struggle to even write this post: I hate vulnerability.

It is easy for me to be reliable, dependable, predictable, and most importantly, untainted by emotions.  I find myself feeling emotions of a confrontation hours after the incident has passed.  Everything is delayed and later processed, packaged and sent off according to a plan of action.

So what does any of this have to do with photography?  Everything.  Any form of art or creation is an expression of something, sometimes very intimate and personal.  What if I am not good at expressing?  What if the way I express is criticized?  What if my photographs are not good enough?  What if I am not enough?

I believe, at our core, we all want to be seen, known and loved exactly as we are.  But to get there takes, as Brene Brown says, excruciating vulnerability.  It means taking a risk and perhaps finding, in the end, we are not loved.

In her video, Brene says:  "Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen...To love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee...To practice gratitude and joy...To believe that we are enough.  Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says 'I'm enough' then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Thanks, Brene!  Thanks, Kourtney, for tweeting a great reminder!

- Melinda